And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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