On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
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