I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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