Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
