i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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