yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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