Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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