I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Randomize
