We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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