my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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