I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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