i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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