you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
