She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
