how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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