does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
