someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
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