OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
