you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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