I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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