He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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