i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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