last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
