I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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