There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
