I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
