Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
