I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
