god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
