my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
