How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
