im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
