I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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