I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
