What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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