I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
