Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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