New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
