she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
