got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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