Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
