i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
