Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
