saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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