i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
