I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
