I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
