Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
