I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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