The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
