Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
