You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
