I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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