I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
