If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
