would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She's the barista slut.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
