shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
