I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
