Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
