ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
