nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
