worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
