Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
