Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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