I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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