I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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