I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i've created a new STD.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
